Medical Report

[queerbychoice]

Patient was declared fully unconscious at 2:20 p.m. Surgery began at approximately 2:30 p.m.

Patient's plastic skin was carefully opened, and patient's guts were spilled out onto the floor. Inexperienced surgeon restrained urge to panic and, after several minutes of searching, located appropriate location to insert artificial organ. Artificial organ was inserted into place. Inexperienced surgeon discovered that the appropriate device for stitching the organ into place (a "screw") had not been provided in the packaging. Inexperienced surgeon again restrained urge to panic, and "borrowed" a screw which would otherwise have been used for stitching the patient's skin back together, using this for internal organ attachment instead. Surgeon also noted that patient's internal organs were all coated in so many layers of dust that it was amazing the patient was still alive at all.

Patient's plastic skin was stitched back together at approximately 2:50 p.m. Inexperienced really not entirely competent surgeon then suddenly realized that the artificial organ was supposed to connect to an external orifice, which had instead been left blocked by a piece of smooth metal which did not even look removeable at all. Inexperienced surgeon unstitched all the patient's skin again and removed the organ, then prodded at the obstructive piece of metal with a screwdriver for several minutes. Obstructive piece of metal was successfully removed from blocking the orifice at approximately 3:10 p.m. Inexperienced surgeon then reattached the organ and stitched the patient's skin together all over again. Patient was reawakened from unconsciousness at approximately 3:30 p.m.

Patient's brain appeared to be functioning at the same levels as prior to surgery. Inexperienced surgeon was completely delighted to find that the inexperience and somewhat incompetence of the surgeon had not accidentally rendered the patient a paraplegic vegetable with no brain function.

Patient then underwent tests to see if the patient's brain recognizes the presence of the new organ and can interface with it. These tests proved an utter failure. Patient's brain does not indicate any recognition of the new organ.

At approximately 3:45 p.m., an attempt was made to bypass the patient's apparent nonrecognition of the new organ by making use of the attached orifice as though it were functional, hoping this would stimulate the patient's brain to recognie the organ. This attempt also failed.

Patient is currently recovering from the traumatic surgery, but patient's functioning appears precisely identical to before the surgery, with no sign of any improvement except perhaps for the comforting knowledge that the patient's internal organs are a little less dusty than they were before.

Inexperienced surgeon is frustrated and baffled and requests advice.

Comments

[kshatri.livejournal.com]

Alright, miss surgeon, what type of organ are you attempting to insert? Perhaps my general medical knowledge may be of some assistance.

[jodawi.livejournal.com]

I hate it when obstructive pieces of metal block my orifices.

[queerbychoice.livejournal.com]

I am attempting to insert a USB Card into a PCI slot, for purposes of adding USB ports to the back of my computer.

[queerbychoice.livejournal.com]

I hope it doesn't happen to you often.

[kshatri.livejournal.com]

Seems like it should be plug and play.. windows didn't do its little song and dance when you booted up after sticking the card in?

[joxn.livejournal.com]

Did it come with a driver or other software (on a CD-ROM, say)? Did you install that software? Did you try (depending on your version of Windows) going to the Control Panels and selecting "Add New Hardware"?

[grubstreeter.livejournal.com]

ok... i had forgotten your earlier entry where you said that you were going to add something to your computer. so this whole entry had a sci-fi feel to it, which was quite spooky and effective. good work.

now if you could just get the computer thing to work. then your sci-fi masterwork would be complete!

muaahahahahaaaaaa!!!

[elfbabe.livejournal.com]

Are you sure the card is seated correctly? Make sure that it's inserted in the PCI slot properly, and really push it in there. The video card on my desktop has that problem - it won't work unless it's ALL the way in. (And all the way in is... well, farther in than it will go easily) Oh, and you don't need to put the case back on until after you're sure it works. The case is meant to keep foreign objects out of the computer and to keep people from being frightened by their computer's innards... but until you know that you wont' have to open it up again for a while, you should just leave it off to make things easier.

[elfbabe.livejournal.com]

Oh! Also! Go to Start -> Settings -> Control Panel -> System, and pick the "Device Manager" tab. Does Windows recognize your USB card in the list of devices? If it does, there should be a thing saying, "Universal Serial Bus Controllers", and there will be (assuming it's still not working) an exclamation point next to it, indicating that it's not working. If that's true, it may need drivers, which probably came with the card or may be findable online. (Tell me the name of the card and your OS and I'll see if I can look them up) If it doesn't recognize its existence at all, then it's a hardware problem, meaning that the card isn't in there correctly.

confusion!

[ex-infidel.livejournal.com]

First I thought this was a news article. Then I thought it was about a friend of yours, or something. Then, I thought, "I don't know what this Gayle character does for a living... maybe she's a surgeon? or a med student?"

To conclude, I feel like I have approximately three brain cells.

[queerbychoice.livejournal.com]

Does the Device Manager tab display only the devices that Windows *actually* recognizes, or just any of them that it has drivers installed for?

The Device Manager tab does list "Universal Serial Bus Controller" and there is no exclamation point next to it. However, I manually installed the drivers for it in spite of the fact that Windows refused to automatically detect it and ask for them. Could that be the only reason that it's listed there?

[queerbychoice.livejournal.com]

Indeed, Windows did not do its song and dance. Windows is feeling lazy today. And I manually installed the drivers anyway, but that doesn't seem to have helped either.

[queerbychoice.livejournal.com]

It came with a CD-ROM which informs me that the correct drivers can be found on the Windows 98 CD-ROM. I took note of what the correct drivers were, went to "Add New Hardware," and selected manual installation of those drivers since Windows refused to detect the device automatically. It prompted me for the Windows 98 CD-ROM, which I supplied it with, and it reported that the drivers were successfully installed. However, it still doesn't detect my camera.

If elfbabe's explanation of the "Device" tab under "System" in the Control Panel is correct (does the fact that it lists "USB controller" there mean that Windows actually recognizes its physical presence, or just that it knows I installed drivers for it?), then it would appear that my USB card actually is installed correctly, and it's my digital camera's drivers that are now not correctly installed. However, I did install all of the software that came with that already too, and the uncertainty about whether whatever item I'm currently focusing on trying to fix is the item that actually needs fixing is rather annoying me.

Re: confusion!

[queerbychoice.livejournal.com]

LOL!! The idea of it as a news article amuses me terribly.

[ex-infidel.livejournal.com]

glad I could be of service!

[inkstained.livejournal.com]

Actually most of Gayle's news articles are as frightening as this would have been. Plug and Play...my old computing teacher used to call that Plug and Pray. It has a tendency to dissappoint.

-ink

[deathbystereo.livejournal.com]

My Windows start-up screen has "Plug & Pray" emblazoned in the corner. It also has Micro$hit Windowsucks across the centre of the screen.