The Most Important Lesson You'll Ever Learn (or Fail to Learn)

[queerbychoice]

Romantic relationships are not supposed to feel exhausting. The time you spend with a romantic partner is your free time; the things you do with a romantic partner are supposed to feel like things you enjoy doing during your free time. The time you spend with a romantic partner is not supposed to feel like an unpaid second job that you force yourself through the motions of because you feel obliged to. If it starts to feel that way, then you're not getting what you need from the relationship. If it's felt that way often for a significant portion of the relationship's duration, you really need to dump the person. If for most of the relationship neither you nor your partner felt that way at all, but just lately one of you has been starting to feel that way sometimes, then something is still very significantly wrong and it would probably be a good idea to seek relationship counseling.

It's extremely unlikely that you'll ever create a good relationship by forcing yourself to remain in a bad one and desperately hoping that it'll turn into a good one if you just stick it out long enough. Bad relationships tend overwhelmingly to get worse, not better, with the passage of time. The best way to create a good relationship for yourself is to ditch the bad relationships and learn to enjoy the single life while holding out for someone truly wonderful, who you'll consistently look forward to spending time with instead of dreading it.

(This journal entry was inspired by watching too many LiveJournal users feeling obliged to remain in relationships that are obviously making them unhappy.)

Comments

[undertheteacup.livejournal.com]

I think what's difficult about that is figuring out whether it's the relationship per se that's making you unhappy, or whether you're going through in an unhappy period. That's been the question I've been trying to answer.

Conversely though, what if the relationship isn't making you particularly happy? I mean, it's not necessarily the problem but it's not helping with the problem either?
I think I've come to the same conclusion as you. That a relationship should have spark and excitement, and if you feel indifferent toward it then it's just not the right thing for you.

[queerbychoice.livejournal.com]

I think that if you're merely feeling unhappy while in a good relationship, then you'll look forward to the time you spend with your girlfriend or boyfriend as being time that's at least a little less unhappy.

If you feel equally unhappy all the time and utterly indifferent to your relationship, then I would tend to suspect that you're depressed and should seek individual counseling. I don't know whether the relationship problems would be a cause or an effect of your depression (or both), but certainly if you're feeling indifferent to your relationship, then the relationship has major problems, for whatever reason.

[beraht.livejournal.com]

Well said.

Though I dodged a huge bullet with Lauren, Samuel COULD have been mine if Mike had waited just a little while longer and it had been me that night instead of him, but the whole issue could have simply been avoided if I'd just told her I didn't feel anything the second week instead of waiting for her to leave me on the eighth.

[cacahuate.livejournal.com]

Trufax. (:p)

[luinied.livejournal.com]

Very true.

[andyleggett.livejournal.com]

I ended my last (and only second) possible relationship before it got off of the ground for a similar reason...

[jcspd.livejournal.com]

thank you!!! i wish people understood this instead of romanticizing how awful romantic relationships are "supposed" to be.