No on 8 Letter

[queerbychoice]

The No on Prop 8 sign I made is still up, but the words are much harder to read from the road than I had hoped. I need to get a larger piece of posterboard and some thicker markers so I can write larger letters. And I need to make more signs, because Susan pointed out two more of them today that were on public property, and one that was in the yard of a private residence. I made a mental note of the address, and I've been composing a letter to that private residence, using the letter I linked to recently as a first draft. Here's what I've come up with:

Dear Neighbor,

I know you haven't met me, but I feel it's important for me to introduce myself because of the Yes on 8 sign on your lawn.

Every time I see your sign it hurts me. It's painful to walk or drive down the street and see this evidence that you think I should not be allowed to marry my fiancée. You haven't met me or met my fiancée. You don't know about our responsibilities or the kind of family life we have, yet you post a sign like that. Sometimes it's easy to advocate hurting people when you don't know who you're hurting. That's why I wanted to write you directly.

Your sign says it's for protecting families. However, your home is near three schools—[names of schools]. Parents take their children past your house to those schools almost every day. Not every child comes from a family with opposite-sex parents. Many children come from blended families with stepparents, and some of those parents are of the same sex. Every time a parent from a same-sex family passes your sign, they must answer the question for their child of why some people don't believe their family is deserving of the same rights and protections of other families. Your sign is harming those families and especially those children.

A loving, loyal, and devoted spouse is not easy to find, which is why so many opposite-sex parents divorce. I'm sure we can all agree that the responsibilities of caring for children are better managed by two parents. I understand that you believe those children would be best cared for by two opposite-sex parents. But when the person a single parent finds love with happens to be a member of the same sex, do you really imagine that making it illegal for them to marry will somehow cause the parent to suddenly find love with a member of the opposite sex instead? Far more likely, by making it illegal for same-sex parents to marry, you will condemn their children to having unmarried parents. The lack of this legally and socially binding commitment between their parents, and between the stepparent and the children, deprives these children of the stability they need.

I would like to tell you a bit about my fiancée and me. We don't live whatever wild lifestyle you may imagine. I've never had a drink of alcohol, a cigarette, or a mind-altering substance of any sort in my life. She's a teacher. I edit educational texts used in schools. We don't live together yet—I've never lived with anyone since moving out of my parents' home ten years ago. My fiancée lived with a woman for ten years and formed a legal domestic partnership with her. They split several years ago, but they didn't have the money to file for legal dissolution of their domestic partnership until last summer. As a result, the dissolution will not be final until after Election Day.

Because constitutional amendments are not retroactive, the couples who married before Election Day will still be married if Proposition 8 passes. Ellen and Portia DeGeneres will still be married. George Takei and Brad Altman, together 21 years, will still be married. Proposition 8 does not have the power to undo their marriages. But because my fiancée did not have the money to file for dissolution of her domestic partnership sooner, your vote for Proposition 8 has the power to prevent our marriage.

I understand you may believe it's fair and equal to label my marriage a "domestic partnership" and reserve the term "marriage" for opposite-sex couples, as long as the laws are the same. But how is that any different from believing it's fair and equal to reserve a certain water fountain for white people only, as long as the water in the black people's water fountains is the same? Being forced to spend the rest of my life introducing the woman I love as "my girlfriend" or "my domestic partner" or "this woman I love, who loves me too, but who isn't legally recognized as my wife even though that's what she is" is clearly not equal to introducing her as my wife.

You're certainly entitled to believe that my relationship isn't equal to yours, of course. This is a free country, and all people are entitled to their own beliefs and choices. But you're not entitled to alter the state constitution to impose your beliefs on me, just as I'm not entitled to alter it to impose mine on you.

Legalizing same-sex marriage has not forced your church to start performing same-sex marriages, just as it has not forced any churches start doing so in Massachusetts, Connecticut, Canada, or any of the other places where same-sex marriage is legal. But not everyone goes to the same church that you do. Some churches, such as the United Church of Christ, do perform same-sex marriages. By voting for Proposition 8, you are taking away the freedom of those churches, and the members of those churches' congregations, to practice their own religions.

If you really believe marriage rights should be determined by majority vote, please consider this: In 1958, a full ten years after the California Supreme Court decision that legalized interracial marriage, a Gallup poll found that 96% of Americans still opposed interracial marriage. Where would we be now if the majority vote had been allowed to overturn the California Supreme Court decision back then?

I respectfully ask that you take your Yes on 8 sign down. I have faith that you care about the well-being of your neighbors even if they are different than you, just as I care about how I affect my neighbors.
Respectfully,


[name]
[email address]

P.S. I don't currently have a rainbow sticker on my car, or a rainbow flag on my front porch, or any of the other political symbols that some might resent living down the street from. But if your own sign remains up, I will definitely feel a need to acquire some.

[Note: I ended up removing the entire postscript from the majority of the letters. I also added the blue paragraph to the later letters.]

Comments

[hansel25.livejournal.com]

very nicely done! Except I would take the postscript out.

[queerbychoice.livejournal.com]

Why?

[hansel25.livejournal.com]

hm, because it sounds angry and it would anger them, and anger is never a good thing if you want to convince someone to your position.

[queerbychoice.livejournal.com]

I'm not convinced that's true. It seems to me that a complete lack of anger when people are trying to deprive you of the right to get married would be so inhuman that it would suggest that I must just not care as much as heterosexuals do about such things.

[kk0isonlymyname.livejournal.com]

Good one.

[heron61.livejournal.com]

The postscript is kind of totally different in tone from the rest of the letter. It's like, here's a reasoned argument and oh wait here's a threat in case that didn't work. I don't disagree with you, I would just give them a chance to react before you go on the offensive.

I completely agree. The letter is excellent, but the postscript seems angry, and angry is a poor argument tactic.

[queerbychoice.livejournal.com]

Okay, I edited the postscript to make it less angry. How's this?

[queerbychoice.livejournal.com]

Okay, I edited the postscript to make it less angry. What do you think now?

[queerbychoice.livejournal.com]

Yay!

[belenen.livejournal.com]

That is a beautiful letter. I especially appreciate the part where you described yourself and your fiancée; it made me tear up a little, because it's such a kindhearted offering. One thing you might consider -- I would edit "We don't live whatever wild lifestyle you may imagine" (which might put them on the defensive) to something like "We don't live the wild lifestyle some people may imagine." That allows them to feel like they're on the same side with you. And this may just be me, but when someone says "this is not like you might think" I actually feel swayed to think in that way, because I'm annoyed that someone would assume what I would think. (of course, then I sway myself back, but some people might not?)

I also think it's really good that you included the bit about the churches that do perform same-sex marriages.

Overall, I think this really has a good chance of touching someone's heart, and it really inspires me that you're reaching out in such a kind way, explaining their mistake and offering them a chance to grow.

[seifaiden.livejournal.com]

It's well-written, but I would personally worry about negative repercussions. This is because I am spineless and worry excessively, so I applaud your bravery and wish you the best in this. I'm interested to hear what replies you get, though a little afraid as well. Homophobia is not rational, and I fear a rational approach will not sway them. I hope I am wrong.

[queerbychoice.livejournal.com]

I didn't give them a return address, only my name and email address, and my name isn't listed in these people's local phone book because I live too far away. So I think that considerably limits the potential for repercussions.

[queerbychoice.livejournal.com]

You're right, of course. I already sent this letter before you commented, but Susan saw another sign today and gave me the address, so I'll send a letter to those people too - and in that one, I'll use youre suggestion.

[seifaiden.livejournal.com]

That's true, I should've expected that you'd make sure your bases are covered. Having [insert]-phobia thrown in your face is never pleasant to deal with (as a possible reaction from these people), so I worry for you. However, you're smart and you're with your smart fiancee, so I'm positive you have a good grasp on things.

[placenta.livejournal.com]

i'm really hoping that this person replies or at least reads through the whole thing. i know most people would get a letter like that and assume that it was just "left-wing propaganda" and throw it out after reading the first paragraph.
it's really well-written. i like the fact that you told some about yourself and susan since a lot of voters don't really think about the actual people that they are affecting.
good luck! <33

[queerbychoice.livejournal.com]

The letter should have been delivered yesterday, and I've had no reply yet, so I'm not really expecting one. But I do hope they read it. I would expect that they would, since it was hand-addressed and hand-signed and refers to the sign on their lawn, which should surely clarify that it's not a mass-mailing.

[heron61.livejournal.com]

I hope it helps. If nothing else, you are in a unique position to see how well this sort of action works. If any of the signs go down, you've definitely done some good.