queerbychoice (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
queerbychoice) wrote2001-12-04 12:13 pm
queerbychoice) wrote2001-12-04 12:13 pm
My Visit to the Doctor Yesterday
Receptionist: And what are you here about?
Me: I skinned my hands and knees.
Receptionist [staring incredulously]: You what?
Me [wondering how I ever let people talk me into coming here]: I fell down, and skinned my hands and knees, and they're infected.
Receptionist [looks up my name in the computer to see just what kind of a fanatical hypochondriac I am; finds that this is my first visit in over two years; blinks a few times, sighs and resigns herself]: Okay. Sign this and have a seat over there.
[Note: with my right hand as injured as it is right now, I can write at least as well with my left hand as with my right. The idea of having me "sign" anything is pretty funny; the scribbles I produce bear no resemblance to my usual signature.]
[Insert half an hour of waiting here]
Nurse: Cynthia? Right this way. Step on the scale please. 130? Good, now sit here and I'll take your blood pressure. [squeezes blood pressure thing so tightly around my arm that she cuts off my circulation entirely] Hmm, I don't hear a thing. Let's try it again. [squeezes even harder] Why isn't this working? [taps on stethoscope and tries again] You don't have any blood pressure. [squeezes so hard she appears to be trying to kill me] I give up. The doctor will take your blood pressure.
Doctor: Why is "blood pressure" circled on your form?
Me: She couldn't find it.
Doctor: Oh, that's usually a good thing. Means it's nice and low. Okay, let's take that blood pressure now. [does that annoying arm-squeezing thing all over again, but not as hard as the nurse, thankfully] Hmm, she's right, I don't hear a thing. [repeats, but still can't hear anything] Oh well, I'll just take your pulse instead. This way's cheating, but it works. [puts finger on my wrist and counts] Normal. Now, what are you here for again? It says "fell down on asphalt."
Me [displays hands and knees]: I skinned my hands and knees and they're infected.
Doctor [nodding] Yep, I bet that sure hurts. Nothing much I can do for you though. Okay now, let's get some information from you. Are you single?
Me: Yes.
Doctor: Birth control?
Me: No. [I immediately anticipate the stereotypical interrogation I always hear about from others - what do you mean, you're not using birth control? Every female of childbearing age must surely be using birth control or else she's be pregnant, because you know, there's no such thing in real life as actually Not Having Sex, or even just Not Having Sex With Men.]
Doctor: Pregnancies?
Me: No.
Doctor [surprising me by dropping this line of questioning - it wasn't until after I'd left his office that it occured to me that after having looked at my knees he couldn't have helped noticing my hairy legs, and therefore was probably more prepared than usual to assign me to the category of Must Be Having Sex With Women Instead]: When was your last Pap smear?
Me [knowing I'm in for it now - I really prefer to follw the good old Ralph Reed Philosophy of Gynecology, as in "Just don't let anybody touch it, and it'll probably be okay," but of course real doctors can't be expected to believe in that]: Never.
Doctor: Ah, well you need one! I'll set you up for one immediately, we have a woman in this building who can do it if you'd prefer a woman doctor . . .
Me: [shrugging; the only preference I have is that it not happen at all]: Okay.
Doctor [grinning maniacally]: Your First Pap Smear![I swear you could hear the (TM) in the air after his words]
Me: So can I get an antibiotic for my hands and knees?
Doctor: You know, what I do when I get injured, I take a wire SOS or Brillo pad, I get in the shower and I just grit my teeth and scrape at that wound as hard as I can until it really bleeds, and then you know it's clean, and it's all over with.
Me: [winces visibly]
Doctor: Say, do you know you have a movement disorder? It's sometimes referred to as a "nervous tic." We can give you medicine for nerves, panic attacks, all kinds of anxiety disorders. I absolutely love treating patients with anxiety and movement disorders!
Me: Um. No thanks, that's okay.
Doctor: Are you sure? Do you ever get panic attacks? We can cure those for you real easy, I love treating those.
Me: No, I don't get those.
Doctor: Well, if you ever want your movement disorder treated, I'd love to do it.
Me [wondering how on earth I just got a new disorder bestowed upon me in such record time]: Thanks. So can I get some antibiotics? My hand is all swollen and badly infected. [waves hand at him]
Doctor [looking closely at my hand for the first time]: Oh! You're right, it really is infected. Sure, we'll give you some antibiotics. Here's a prescription for dicloxacillin, another one for a tetanus shot, and take this piece of paper up to the front and they'll give you an appointment for that Pap smear. Have fun! Bye bye!
Me: I skinned my hands and knees.
Receptionist [staring incredulously]: You what?
Me [wondering how I ever let people talk me into coming here]: I fell down, and skinned my hands and knees, and they're infected.
Receptionist [looks up my name in the computer to see just what kind of a fanatical hypochondriac I am; finds that this is my first visit in over two years; blinks a few times, sighs and resigns herself]: Okay. Sign this and have a seat over there.
[Note: with my right hand as injured as it is right now, I can write at least as well with my left hand as with my right. The idea of having me "sign" anything is pretty funny; the scribbles I produce bear no resemblance to my usual signature.]
[Insert half an hour of waiting here]
Nurse: Cynthia? Right this way. Step on the scale please. 130? Good, now sit here and I'll take your blood pressure. [squeezes blood pressure thing so tightly around my arm that she cuts off my circulation entirely] Hmm, I don't hear a thing. Let's try it again. [squeezes even harder] Why isn't this working? [taps on stethoscope and tries again] You don't have any blood pressure. [squeezes so hard she appears to be trying to kill me] I give up. The doctor will take your blood pressure.
Doctor: Why is "blood pressure" circled on your form?
Me: She couldn't find it.
Doctor: Oh, that's usually a good thing. Means it's nice and low. Okay, let's take that blood pressure now. [does that annoying arm-squeezing thing all over again, but not as hard as the nurse, thankfully] Hmm, she's right, I don't hear a thing. [repeats, but still can't hear anything] Oh well, I'll just take your pulse instead. This way's cheating, but it works. [puts finger on my wrist and counts] Normal. Now, what are you here for again? It says "fell down on asphalt."
Me [displays hands and knees]: I skinned my hands and knees and they're infected.
Doctor [nodding] Yep, I bet that sure hurts. Nothing much I can do for you though. Okay now, let's get some information from you. Are you single?
Me: Yes.
Doctor: Birth control?
Me: No. [I immediately anticipate the stereotypical interrogation I always hear about from others - what do you mean, you're not using birth control? Every female of childbearing age must surely be using birth control or else she's be pregnant, because you know, there's no such thing in real life as actually Not Having Sex, or even just Not Having Sex With Men.]
Doctor: Pregnancies?
Me: No.
Doctor [surprising me by dropping this line of questioning - it wasn't until after I'd left his office that it occured to me that after having looked at my knees he couldn't have helped noticing my hairy legs, and therefore was probably more prepared than usual to assign me to the category of Must Be Having Sex With Women Instead]: When was your last Pap smear?
Me [knowing I'm in for it now - I really prefer to follw the good old Ralph Reed Philosophy of Gynecology, as in "Just don't let anybody touch it, and it'll probably be okay," but of course real doctors can't be expected to believe in that]: Never.
Doctor: Ah, well you need one! I'll set you up for one immediately, we have a woman in this building who can do it if you'd prefer a woman doctor . . .
Me: [shrugging; the only preference I have is that it not happen at all]: Okay.
Doctor [grinning maniacally]: Your First Pap Smear![I swear you could hear the (TM) in the air after his words]
Me: So can I get an antibiotic for my hands and knees?
Doctor: You know, what I do when I get injured, I take a wire SOS or Brillo pad, I get in the shower and I just grit my teeth and scrape at that wound as hard as I can until it really bleeds, and then you know it's clean, and it's all over with.
Me: [winces visibly]
Doctor: Say, do you know you have a movement disorder? It's sometimes referred to as a "nervous tic." We can give you medicine for nerves, panic attacks, all kinds of anxiety disorders. I absolutely love treating patients with anxiety and movement disorders!
Me: Um. No thanks, that's okay.
Doctor: Are you sure? Do you ever get panic attacks? We can cure those for you real easy, I love treating those.
Me: No, I don't get those.
Doctor: Well, if you ever want your movement disorder treated, I'd love to do it.
Me [wondering how on earth I just got a new disorder bestowed upon me in such record time]: Thanks. So can I get some antibiotics? My hand is all swollen and badly infected. [waves hand at him]
Doctor [looking closely at my hand for the first time]: Oh! You're right, it really is infected. Sure, we'll give you some antibiotics. Here's a prescription for dicloxacillin, another one for a tetanus shot, and take this piece of paper up to the front and they'll give you an appointment for that Pap smear. Have fun! Bye bye!
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*heave*
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The nurse said, "Well one and one make two, don't they?" When I explained I was in a monogamous relationship with a woman, she said, "Well, then, I guess one and one make three." At least she had a good sense of humor about it. ;)
I never said this in my journal, but
Peace!
Pekky
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No news in my account
Peace!
Pekky
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i enjoyed your creepy visit. aren't you glad your discomfort and suffering could entertain me?
feel better.
Are you sure? Do you ever get panic attacks? We can cure those for you real easy, I love treating th
The only time I ever went to see a doctor to ask for pain medication I could see in his eyes that I was instantly classified as some sort of whiner. He gave me a muscle relaxant that did nothing.
At time I was hurting so badly I was sweating and close to crying. For a long time thereafter I thought about trapping him and beating him with a baseball bat. And I almost never have violent fantasies.
Richard
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Seriously WOMAN, get rid of him, damnit.
Sorry, it just appears its like
hmm... you came here for this, well ,lets see if i can reccomend you to one of my associate doctors for something else, lemme see...hmm.. yes pap smere, nervous tic, hmm... my wife works at a spa..she could do your bikini line for you...
p.s
"y0 mr doctor man... you tell someone to shove something up my vagina... and i'll tell someone to shove something up yer penis, bitch"
when i got the pill
he just gave it to me after explaining how to use em
mwhahah
you need doctor cambell~!
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My dad may well be let go by his current employer in a little under a month because he isn't willing to treat people for as many things as possible and thus bilk them out of as much money as possible.
you probably don't hear this often, but...
I happen to be sleeping with a man (my husband). I _have_ to have pap smears or they won't give me the pill. Seriously. Is this what we fought for? Is this what we call "control oveer our own reproductive processes"? That a doctor has to force me to undergo a deeply unpleasant ordeal just so I can not be pregnant all the time!
Incidentally, there is no relationship between cervical dysplasia (what they are looking for in a pap smear) and ability to use the pill safely. So... the only reason they have this system is because no one would ever get a pap smear if they didn't. And pap smears make a lot of money for doctors!
I could go on and on, my story is sad and my sense of feminism brutally outraged. But I won't bore anyone with my problems or rants.
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Re:
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I'm a professional editor, you know. I get paid to not leave any typos behind. I'm NOT a good typist at all, but I'm a decent proofreader and managing to catch all my typos is an essential job skill for me.
You're very welcome to be entertained by my discomfort and suffering, but as a matter of simple fair play, I think you should have to get a Pap smear afterward.
Re: Are you sure? Do you ever get panic attacks? We can cure those for you real easy, I love treatin
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Lots of fun. And you're supposed to have it done once a year for the rest of your life. If you're obedient, which I'm not.
Hey, Chill out!!!!
Peace!
Pekky
Re: Hey, Chill out!!!!
Re:
Re: Are you sure? Do you ever get panic attacks? We can cure those for you real easy, I love treatin
I'm glad that over the last year Charles has manged to either dispense with or reduce some of his mental meds.
Re: Hey, Chill out!!!!
:P
im just upset about it...
in your werds, PEACE!!
Re:
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Also, while you're there they generally check if you have any STDs and stuff like that. Oh, and they ask you half a million rude prying questions about every possible detail of your sex life.
But most of all, of course, they do it because they can make money off of it.
Re:
but if ur NOT having sex with men, why would u put yourself through it? tell your doctor to bugger of...grr...
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I, alas, am not having sex with either males or females. But the doctor wrote "Pap smear" on my chart, see, and walked me up to the front desk with the chart, so there wasn't any way for me to get out of it.