The Problematic Institution of Marriage

[queerbychoice]

I hear an awful lot of people lately, most of them male, stating that they will never get married because marriage is prostitution and would be unacceptably contrary to their feminist convictions.

Yes, well. I'd just like to mention that to whatever extent marriage is prostitution, it follows that merging finances without a marriage certificate is just prostitution with less job security for the prostitute. And having sex without merging finances at all doesn't help either - it just takes away the one career (prostitution) by which females in this culture have a decent chance of gaining access to similar amounts of wealth as males have. Sure, it's thoroughly deeply disturbing that prostitution is the only avenue by which women do have that access, but nonetheless: taking away the one avenue available does nothing whatsoever to benefit women.

If you want to benefit women, you have to provide more avenues for them to acquire wealth, so they won't be driven to resort to prostitution. If you want to benefit women, lobby on behalf of the Equal Rights Amendment or other legislation to equalize male and female salaries. If you want to benefit women, strive to please your female partner better, contribute equally to all the housework, and do not allow your larger salary to cause you to treat her like a prostitute who has to go out of her way to please you unequally in order to get her share of your money.

And it isn't that I think every male has a feminist duty to rush out and marry a female instantly, either - but unless your female partner earns more money than you do so it's actually to your financial disadvantage to refuse to get married, just please quit the pretentious claims that your refusal to get married is any kind of feminist act. Your pretentious claims are hogwash.

Comments

[donutgirl.livejournal.com]

As a married feminist, I concur. Besides, everything is prostitution when it comes down to it. There's no less inherent dignity in being paid for sex than there is in being paid to sit in an airless cubicle all day, as far as I'm concerned.

well said. *invisible clap on the back*

[fightingwords.livejournal.com]

when i think of all the bad sex i could have at least gotten paid for....

Re: well said. *invisible clap on the back*

[queerbychoice.livejournal.com]

For whatever weird reason of my own, all three of the males I've kissed in my life (plus the next male I'm planning to kiss, also!) have earned extremely substantially less money than me ($0 per year for the poorest of them, $8,000 or so per year for the richest of them). This means that in all the sex I've ever had, it's been me who was doing the paying. For the most part I tend to find this a comforting variation from the societal norm.

However, it's somewhat disconcerting later to look back and realize I paid for all that bad sex.

[esk.livejournal.com]

i think hogwash is overly harsh. there are feminist arguments against marriage that aren't based on the (flippant, boring, problematic, faulty) prostitution analogy.

e.g. i believe that overall it's a bad idea to have the government legislating the consensual relationships of adults. that belief was partly born out of my feminism.

[queerbychoice.livejournal.com]

I believe it's a bad idea to have government doing that too, but simply refusing to get married does nothing to change that, and making all marriage nonexistent in the absence of anything else to give underpaid women equal financial security will harm women. I thoroughly agree that marriage is a deeply imperfect, flawed and really severely disturbing method of giving women their fair share of the excess pay that's been taken from them and put into men's paychecks instead; but just taking that deeply imperfect, flawed and really severely disturbing method away without replacing it with anything better will only leave us with more financial inequality than ever.

[esk.livejournal.com]

i don't think it's pretentious to say that your decisions about your personal life are influenced by feminism (in fact, i wish more people would). but i agree, refusing to get married isn't proactively feminist in the sense that it's going to change society on a large scale for the better. anyone claiming otherwise is probably being a pretentious dork. and yeah, despite what i might wish, legal marriage is way too closely intertwined into society for it to disappear tomorrow without having pretty nasty consequences.

but back on the other hand, i've been personally inspired by people who've found ways to negotiate their relationships (legally, financially, personally) without bringing legal marriage into it. i do think it can be feminist, at least on a micro-level, to bring those viewpoints out into the open and share those experiences with people in your life and community.

...what the fuck, dude, i sound like a big hippie all of a sudden.

[heron61.livejournal.com]

My primary objection to marriage is that it isn't open to everyone. In addition to have moral objections to taking part in such an institution, since I am poly and hopefully my partner and I will eventually have a stable poly relationship, I would consider marriage to be wrong because it would exclude this potential other person or people.

[queerbychoice.livejournal.com]

See, your reasoning here makes actual sense.

The "marriage = prostitution" so "refusing to get married = feminist act" is the line of reasoning that did not make actual sense at all.

[senselesslover.livejournal.com]

My boyfriend always refused to get married, until he met me, but it was because, from what his family has shown him, marriages only make things worse. I would laugh my ass off if I heard him mention anything about a feminist act.

[sammka.livejournal.com]

In the marriage in question, would the man involved ever tell his wife, "hey, I support you, the least you could do is have sex with me"? Does he give her financial incentives to have sex with him more often? If so, it's prostitution. It's not that I think that relationship is necessarily unhealthy, unless the woman finds it annoying. And you really don't have to be married to have that kind of relationship.

If the money doesn't seem to be explicitly tied to sexual favors, even if the man is making more money, marriage isn't prostitution, it's just a microcosm of socialism ;p.

[secret-agent.livejournal.com]

amen!

[djpekky.livejournal.com]

I do believe Marriage should be a right and a choice for Any individual of ANY gender and ANY sexual preference! Mut not a Must have or a Must avoid...

I hate this black and white views... But then that's just the always moderate me!

Peace!

Pekky

[frankepi.livejournal.com]

i've long had objections to marriage as a concept, as you know. i posted at one point my feeling that financial mergers, joint childraising, etc. should be secular, nonromantic, nonsexual contracts.

i also tend to resist the idea of labeling and categorizing relationships, though as a practical matter i've backed away from my convictions there somewhat.

none of this has much to do with my "feminism", though.

[frankepi.livejournal.com]

oh, and my views of prostitution are pretty liberal and forgiving. sex IS a commodity and a skill. the body is an object. if someone wants to prostitute themselves, it's not really any of my business.

prostitution should be legal and taxable, with regular medical checkups and licensing.