queerbychoice | Why I Hate Restaurants

Current Mood: eight hours later, still only partially recovered
Current Music: refrigerator hum

Why I Hate Restaurants

People often seem baffled at how on earth I can hate restaurants. Well, yesterday was my father's birthday and so last night he took us all out to dinner at a restaurant near my apartment, and it was a perfect example of everything I hate about restaurants.

1. The food is a zillion times more expensive than the exact same food would be if you just bought it at a grocery store.

2. They don't even let you see the food before you order it. They make you pick what you want based solely on a written description on the menu. This description may be sufficient to enable you to ensure that your food is marginally edible, but inevitably once the food arrives you can tell immediately on sight that something someone else ordered looks far more delicious than what you ordered.

3. The more expensive the restaurant is, the less likely it is that they will carry any beverages that aren't addictive and toxic. You have a choice between impaired brain function (alcohol) or impaired body function (caffeine). I always choose caffeine, but it makes my heart pound in a distinctly uncomfortable manner and I feel vaguely ill.

4. Invariably they make you sit around waiting for ages before your food actually arives.

5. While you're waiting for the food you actually ordered, they put random other foods in front of you instead which you have no choice about and which are invariably disgusting. Last night, for example, the "house specialty soup of the day" was some monstrosity called "tomato zucchini soup" and no one eating at the restaurant was allowed to escape without having a bowl of tomato zucchini soup stuck in front of them for half an hour before their actual food arrived. Sure, I wasn't forced to actually eat the stuff, but even looking at it wasn't really doing good things to my appetite. Is that why they put it in front of you while withholding your real food from you and slowly starving you to death? Because you don't even have to actually eat the stuff to have your appetite drastically reduced by its presence.

6. And even after the tomato zucchini soup was removed untouched, I still didn't get my food; the next step was having a big plate of salad stuck in front of me, of which the only item on the entire plate that I could stand to eat a single bite of was the croutons. If I had wanted salad I'd have ordered salad. Why do they insist upon sticking salad in front of everyone even when some of us hate salad? And you know that the cost of the disgusting salads and the tomato zucchini soup is the reason why your actual food that you actually ordered costs such a ridiculously inordinate amount.

7. Another random item they stick on the table while they're refusing to give you the food you actually ordered is bread and butter. Surely, surely no one could render bread and butter inedible. But oh yes they can - because they have this notion that being a restaurant requires them to serve only strange unusual expensive foods, so they can't just serve ordinary normal bread, certainly not. They serve sourdough bread. And sourdough bread just conveniently happens to be pretty nearly the only form of bread on the entire planet that I don't like.

8. They always have their own notions of what concepts like "salad dressing" mean. They ask you what kind of salad dressing you want, but they don't ask you how much of it you want and most people just assume they can be trusted to be acquainted with conventional standards for salad dressing serving sizes. Well, they can't be. My mother prefers her salad sprinkled with a few drops of Italian dressing, but they brought her a puddle of salad dressing with a few bits of salad floating in it. I'm relieved that I asked them to skip salad dressing on mine entirely, because otherwise even the croutons wouldn't have been edible.

9. They also always have their own notions of what concepts like "medium rare" mean. And although they do at least generally manage to make the "rare" steak redder than the "medium" and the "medium" steak rarer than the "well done," so that at least telling them how you wanted it cooked wasn't totally useless, they do not ask you at all about how you want it seasoned. They just pick their own preferred seasoning and usually drown the meat in it so much that you need several more glasses of addictive toxic beverages to cool down your mouth from the overdose of extra-spicy seasoning.

10. You are never allowed to eat in peace! There are total strangers hovering over your shoulder watching every bite you eat and listening in on your conversations so that you either become afraid to say anything at all or else you start feeling obliged to offer random explanations to the hovering strangers to clarify the fact that when they just overheard you talking about someone licking your face, it was your dog you were referring to and not your uncle.

11. The food costs so much that you feel obliged to force yourself to shove down every single possible bite you can possibly fit in your stomach without inducing vomiting or else you'll have to feel more guilty than ever for all the money you wasted. This ends up making you feel even more ill than the toxic beverages had already achieved.

12. You always forget when you're looking at the prices listed on the menu that those aren't even the full actual prices, that you'll be expected to add on a big tip on top of the rest of the expense, so the very last thing that happens to you before you leave the restaurant is that you suddenly realize you're actually even more broke as a result of this meal than you'd already previously realized.

And I wasn't even the one paying last night. My father paid for it all. Otherwise it could have been an even more unpleasant experience than it already was eating myself sick and getting caffeine posioning! Yet when I told Mikie ahead of time that I'd be going to a restaurant with my family for my father's birthday, ey said it sounded so idyllic. Tell me, why do so many people like restaurants? How can anyone possibly find anything remotely appealing about the torments that restaurants always subject me to? I don't understand, I will never comprehend why anyone voluntarily chooses to eat at those places.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Mmmm yes, but there are several restaurants I think are the best things in the world. Japanese and Indian. Because I don't know how to make eel as good as at sushi places. and I'm at a loss when it comes to making indian food! but they's so GOOOOD.

Well, it's pretty clear eating out is not a good choice for you. You feel SO strongly and have so many very specific complaints, I was almost convinced this entry was a joke.

Or is it?

Fortunately, you can probably go the rest of your life, if you prefer, without visiting another restaurant.

It's not a joke, I just really hate restaurants and I never do eat at them except to accommodate other people's wishes. But yesterday was my father's birthday and he wanted to go to a restaurant so I felt obliged.

There are things that you can do....
2. Ask questions of the waiter, and ask them what they think of a dish. Often they have a good idea of what else might be in something, even if it isn't written explicitly on the menu.
3. Most restaurants should carry different sodas (without caffeine), and other non-alcoholic drinks.
4. That's the time for conversation with your companions :)
5, 6, 7. Just say no thank-you.
8. Ask for dressing on the side.
9. If it isn't done properly, have it sent back.
10. Request that the waiter leave until you have need of them.
11. Often I request that they pack up the rest of my meal, so that I can take it home and finish it later.
12. That can suck - but often waiters only make minimum wage, and they live on their tips.

Sorry for such a long reply- I guess it comes from working at a restaurant for too long.
The key is, however: communication. Lots of things can be avoided/changed just by talking to your waiter. :)

2. Yes, but any amount of verbal questioning still seems to end up being inferior in its communicativeness to the actual sight of the food. Maybe I'm just a visual person.
3. The restaurant last night did carry caffeine-free Sprite, but I hate the taste of Sprite so much that caffeinated Pepsi was actually preferable to that. They did not carry any caffeine-free Pepsi.
4. I'd rather get to eat while conversing. :p Otherwise all the conversation just ends up being about how starving we are.
9. Unfortunately we actually did have need of the waiter, it just still interrupted the conversation annoyingly. For example, the glass they gave me was incredibly tiny so every time I took a three sips it would be empty and then the waiter would come to refill it. I did want it refilled, but why couldn't they just leave a big pitcher on the table so I could refill it myself? Why do they use such miniature glasses to begin with?

Wow, that's crappier than most restaurants I've been at then.

I don't much like restaurants either...for those reasons, and one more: the time. Going downstairs, cooking something, eating it, and cleaning up generally take about 30, 45 minutes. You waste hours of your day at a restaurant. And your father paid for it all on his birthday?

As for drinks, I always just order water...

Yes, that's another thing! I hate the time too.

Unfortunately I also hate drinking plain water, which makes the drink problem harder to solve.

And yes, my father did pay for it all on his birthday. That would be because he knew if he expected my brother and me to pay for it he'd only get taken to McDonalds, and if my mother paid for then it would just be his own money still so it would make no difference.

Well, I don't entirely agree with your points, but perhaps our restaurants are different here. It is difficult to think of a restaurant that doesn't offer orange juice. I'm quite fussy about food, but most restaurants I've been to haven't given me any starters (except for sometimes bread) unless I've ordered them. The significance of the food cost issue is likely to depend on how often you eat out and on how much money you have. The time the food takes to arrive varies, but the delays are rarely too long if you can spare the time and have a conversation partner (or have brought a book), though obviously this is problematic if you don't feel at liberty to talk.

The really terrible thing about tipping is that legally, in my country at least, the employer can include the tips when calculating the wages; so the employer can legally pay less than the minimum wage, as long as there are sufficient tips that the staff receive the minimum amount. Some employers actually vary the amount that they pay according to what tips have been received, and they try to force employees to hand all their tips into a central collection. I don't know how frequent this is, but it's a worrying possibility.

Tipping is thus a symptom of a deeply reactionary society, but we'll have little choice but to continue with it until the revolution comes.

"Every shop and café had an inscription saying it had been collectivized... Waiters and shop-walkers looked you in the face and treated you as an equal. Servile and ceremonial forms of speech had temporarily disappeared... Almost my first experience was receiving a lecture from a hotel manager for trying to tip a lift-boy." - Orwell, Homage to Catalonia.

I don't think most expensive restaurants here offer orange juice, and we definitely did not order any tomato zucchini soup or salad last night. And the waits for food in many restaurants can often be an hour or two.

if they had a bar they almost certainly had orange juice because so many cocktails require it.

They didn't have a bar; the only alcohol they served was various wines.

oh, sorry then. you probably were out of luck on that count.

woah, i've never had to wait more than 20-30 minutes for food in a restaurant.

-ink

In this country, too, you can legally pay servers less than minimum wage. Many of the servers here in Tucson have a base wage of $2.15 per hour.

"and for that price i expect that my food at least comes with a good bj":-p --Dave...that is such a good point.

--Mariel

My solution to poor service and bad food is Feast (http://eatatfeast.com). As a take-out/catering place which also allows you to eat in, there's a whole glass case full of things they're willing to feed you, for you to look at ahead of time. Also, since much of their stuff is already-made, service time is quite fast.

Of course, since I've been going there every Sunday with my housemates for the past year and a half, we're "regulars" and they probably go an extra mile to make us happy. Also, Feast is in Tucosn, not the Bay Area.

We Californians don't really consider Sacramento to be in the Bay Area, since San Francisco is a three hour drive from here. :p My area is merely the "Sacramento Area."

while i can understand all of your complaints, i genuinely enjoy dining out. i do so for the experience as much as the food, and i often ask the waitstaff what to order or get something i knew i like. i also prefer drinking water with my meals, one because i rarely get enough of it anyway, and two because it allows me to taste my food. i never go to restaurants alone, so while i am waiting i enjoy having that time to talk with my companions and around here the wait for food is usually not excessively long either. i usually dislike beginning meals with soup and salad, so i do not order these items and ask to have them removed if they arrive unrequested. i do like bread or crackers on the table though. it is a shame the only thing they served you was sourdough, i happen to enjoy it immensely, but i can understand why you might not. i get around the whole cooking temperature/doneness issue by not eating beef out. rarely can i get a place to cook it exactly the way i like, so i make things easier on everyone and choose something else. the few times i have eaten beef i will agree that the spices can be overbearing, but you might also consider requesting that they go light on the seasoning. as for the portions, i usually skip a meal to pay for the one i am eating or i take part of it home with me. that way i never leave a restaurant feeling like i need to gag myself to fit into pants ever again.

what the person said earlier about communication is right on the money, but another important concern is the choices one makes while dining out.

oh, and the tip never bothered me much because i recognize how bitchy the food service industry can be to employees. so long ago when i first began paying for my own meals i decided that i would never tip less than 20% unless i was completely ignored or had food thrown at me or some other extremely extenuating circumstance. so it's just something i figure on from the start.

but like i said earlier, i enjoy eating out, it's a treat for me so i rarely go into it with a negative outlook.

It really sounds like the problem here is not dining out in general, but the type of restaurant that was chosen. I eat out a lot at places like Olive Garden (our favorite), Red Lobster and tons of other places.. Most at least offer water, lemonade and milk to drink if you want it. Salad and soup is optional at these places. And we almost always tip, because the wait staff in places like that make only about $2/hour. If people don't tip, they don't get paid.

Maybe next year try to suggest a place that you'd like more? Or you could offer to cook a meal for him for his birthday... ;)

-kanga

sweet sociopathic gayle.

you can order water with lime, you know.
and YOU, being you, should probably always order your meat at least medium in a nice restaurant because more expensive cuts of meat are usually considered better rarer.
and you can say "not too spicy" about any dish you're concerned about.
and you can ask for your dressing on the side.

and the reason the food is more expensive is because you're paying the waiter and the busboy and the cook and the chef and the rent and the electricity.

oh, and i almost forgot the important part:

variety, and new experiences, are exciting and good. as are occasional social exercises.

i'm sort of amused that someone who eats so few things, and who almost NEVER eats out is so suspicious of everyone else's culinary definitions of various terms and so seldom willing to challenge her own definitions. i hope you're safe back at home now with your wonder-bread and your two percent milk. i can't even imagine trying to cook in your apartment. the confused and hurt look on your face when i asked where you keep things like olive oil and pepper might be too much to bear.

i have no wonder-bread or two-percent milk. i prefer potato bread and zero-percent milk. you're right that i have no olive oil or pepper, but i do have vegetable oil - although it was purchased by jeremy and has only ever been used by jeremy and mikie, never by me. :p

how can you cook without olive oil?

has anybody eaten potato bread since the first world war?

-ink

I don't cook, I just put pasta-roni in the microwave.

that's not food, it's this synthetic stuff that has its flavour fixed in idaho. the difference in nutritional content between pasta sauce in jars and pasta sauce you make from ingredients yourself is staggering. plus, y'know, the price difference.

i would have thought the idea of processed food would fil you with horror and alarm. you are an unusual and contradictory person :p

-ink

1. Nobody expects me to cook for them. Not even rolls or dessert!

2. Nobody expects me to clean up the kitchen or dining area after them.

3. I can actually choose what I get to eat, unlike at a relative's house.

4. Nobody acts all hurt when I ask for substitutions.

5. I don't have to make sure my house looks good.

If those scenarios came up as often for you as they do for me, believe me, you'd like restaurants a ****whole**** lot more!

PS--I hate how this damn thing doesn't let me edit a comment without deleting it.

i must confess that i love eating out. i derive great pleasure from the whole experience, except dealing with the waitstaff (though i always tip at least 20%).

in fact, gayle, your tirade made me want to go out to dinner!

And I hate restaurants, too. Some commentators here say it's all about communication. I don't want to communicate. I don't even know these people hovering around. I just want to eat, be done with it, and get on to something more interesting. People I know claim that this is because I'm a schlub and not "serious about food." Well, that's true. I'm not serious about food. I don't have to be. I live in a country where there's food all over the place. The "food problem" has been solved by this society. Some little kid in Africa who hasn't eaten since day before yesterday -- he's SERIOUS about food.
Once in a while I'll make a trip to Taco Bell. It's cheap and fast and you can take it home and eat in peace. No waitstaff to deal with. And the employees there only babble to one another in Spanish, so I don't have to know or care what they're talking about anyway.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Why I Hate Restaurants

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

Why I love restaurants

no subject

I hate restaurants