queerbychoice (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
queerbychoice) wrote2001-09-26 12:26 pm
queerbychoice) wrote2001-09-26 12:26 pm
Entry tags:
I Want to Be an Orphan
I'm falling apart. On Saturday I went to visit my parents for my father's birthday, and left on distinctly unwelcome terms, and since then not a day has passed when I haven't started sobbing. I managed, with considerable difficulty, to write to both of my Franks about the most important parts, but I've been trying to write more background details in a journal entry here and I can't get beyond a paragraph or two before I choke up and can't function anymore. Today at work I wanted to hear nothing but sad wistful clichéd easy listening love songs (amazing how the one time I actually want to hear those, it's suddenly almost impossible to find any) and interpret them as being about my relationship with my parents. Then when I finally found a station that was playing them, they unexpectedly started playing "Cat's in the Cradle" and suddenly I just couldn't handle it anymore and tears started rolling down my cheeks. It's a good thing I have my own office now, but a few minutes later a coworker came in to talk to me and I can only hope my eyes weren't obviously red.
I'm considering informing my parents that I don't wish to see them ever again. The biggest drawback to this plan is that they have my address and phone number and several of my email addresses so it's unlikely I'll ever really escape them. They'll just hang around outside my apartment trying to beat my door down.
What does it mean to love someone? There are some people on earth who I love dearly. When I say "I love you" to someone it can mean a lot of different things, but two of the most basic that are always included even when I say it to almost complete strangers are "I like being with you" and "Your existence is part of what helps keep me sane." Neither of these things is true of my parents. I dread being with them, and their existence is probably the number one most dangerous threat to my sanity I've ever experienced.
I'm considering informing my parents that I don't wish to see them ever again. The biggest drawback to this plan is that they have my address and phone number and several of my email addresses so it's unlikely I'll ever really escape them. They'll just hang around outside my apartment trying to beat my door down.
What does it mean to love someone? There are some people on earth who I love dearly. When I say "I love you" to someone it can mean a lot of different things, but two of the most basic that are always included even when I say it to almost complete strangers are "I like being with you" and "Your existence is part of what helps keep me sane." Neither of these things is true of my parents. I dread being with them, and their existence is probably the number one most dangerous threat to my sanity I've ever experienced.
no subject
to some large extent, they've ordered me not to let them know who i am. that's what makes Saturday such an interesting possible place for cutting off contact: because my father finally spelled out in so many words that he doesn't want to know who i am, and that expressing even such simple and (one would think) relatively socially acceptable opinions as pacifism and the desire not to die for my country provokes him to start yelling things like "you'd better change the subject right now or else i'll come to blows with you because i feel very strongly about this!" over and over.
the orders to not tell them anything real about myself have always been there from both parents on a very tanglible level but usually conveyed in such a way that it would have been hard for me to reference it and explain to them what they were doing. but on Saturday my father finally spelled it out so explicitly that if i'm going to cut off contact it would be easier for me to explain why if i do it while the memory of that incident is still fresh in their minds.