queerbychoice | They Love Me; They Just Say Homophobic Things in Front of Me and Want to Hit Me, That's All

Dear [*****],

This is just from me for now, Dad hasn't seen this yet. I know you are bisexual. I didn't know about the websites, but I'm not really surprised. I also told Dad that you were bisexual. I have been reconciled to the fact for years. It is only you who seems to have the problem.

My only questions are: Is this writing making you any money? and: Do you actually ever see any of these "friends" in person? If not, don't you have any need for actual human contact?

I did not tell Paul or my parents or other relatives that you are bisexual. You can tell them if you want, or if you want me to, I will.

Love,
Mom

Dear [*****],

In case you didn't know, I love you. You are an adult and have the right to your own ideas and behavior. I do not intend to disown you if you want to become a world famous advocate for bisexuality. I will not even say anything to you about it unless you ask or say anything against you in public. However, you have to give me the right to my own opinions and behavior too. Do not expect me to campaign beside you and especially do not expect me to become bisexual myself.

I will be happy to see you any time you like. I will send you something for Christmas but I am not going to buy as much as I would if you showed up in person. It is too much trouble and expense to mail it for one thing.

By the way, I did have some clue that all those books and tapes I bought you dealt with bisexuality or homosexuality. I also knew why you liked David Bowie so much.

Dad might be a little more likely to say he disagrees with you if publicly asked, but he's not likely to campaign against you or anything since he doesn't like public speaking. He is mostly upset right now that you threw his peacemaking efforts back in his face and that you think he would resort to physical violence. He does not want to disown you either though.

Love,
Mom

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

aww. i don't know what to say.

Gayle...
you is a butiful person an the nicst we meet so far an prolly evr, hop thins wurk out for you...
sam an saria
bubye ^_^

Speechless... I dunno the right words...

Peace!

Pekky

Hmm, but it's worthy of a skull and crossbones apparently?

That symbolyzes how my head was after thinking of the right words.

Peace!

Pekky

Maybe she wants to try??? I don't know...by the title of your post did you mean that you pretended for 10 years that you were straight or that they did? Either way, it does sound like she still wants to have a relationship with you, but this is probably a very hard realization for your mom and I'm sure she will be struggling to accept it for a long time. Don't give up, it's obvious that you both still care about each other, give her time.
Of course, yet again, I have to say that I don't know the situation so maybe I'm just talking out my ass. Good luck either way.

P.S. My mom is the same way too, she would like to spend her whole life pretending that my dad was never violent with her or anyone else, including me. Even though they are divorced! Drives me crazy too...parents are really great at denial.

My dad has never been violent, nor did I think he would turn violent, despite what my mother says. However, he did threaten to turn violent, so although I recognized it as an empty threat, I do not think it is reasonable for someone to tell me they're in danger of hitting me and then expect me to want to come over for dinner again the next time they invite me.

I also have absolutely no idea what she means by referring to "his peacemaking efforts." I didn't see him make any "peacemaking efforts." The only thing I can figure is that he wanted to forget the whole thing and pretend it never happened, and she somehow considers that a "peacemaking effort." However, it seems to me that when someone tells me they're in danger of hitting me, it is not appropriate to forget the whole thing. At the very least he should apologize and promise never to threaten me again. I don't intend to eat dinner at the house of anyone who's likely to threaten me with violence. For that matter, I don't see the point of eating dinner at the house of anyone who secretly wants to hit me, regardless of whether they say so aloud or of whether they would ever actually do it or not.

I feel the same way about my dad, he has threatened me with violence so many times in the past 10 years that I now actually believe that he will be violent with me and am afraid of him. There have been only a few times when he has actually been violent towards ME, but his behavior towards other people is what frightens me most, so I choose not to see him. Whether or not he's really going to hit me, I know that he wants to on a great many occasions because he's told me so, and therefore I don't want to be around him because I want to keep myself safe.
I totally understand how you feel about that, parents are the only people who have the power to drive me truly insane!!!!!!!!

i'm sorry, i giggled at the part about her becoming bisexual herself. yeah mom, if you're not bisexual, i'm leaving you!

hey, honestly? it's not the worst response in the world. you're so strong and right on, so congrats on that. best of luckwhen you're a world famous advocate for bisexuality, you can rub in it everyone's face!

Yeah, I do realize it's not the worst response in the world. Under the circumstances, it was probably the best I could expect. We still have a long way to go though.

Like, why should I really want to go to dinner with people who expect me to be grateful because they've been "reconciled to" my existence for years?

blah².

Well said, pastRaven.

You're really odd, dear.

i'm not surprised in the slightest that she "knew" you were queer. several conversations of ours (yours and mine) led me to believe she didn't talk about it because she felt you didn't want to talk about it.

she seems a bit clueless on the violent bit, though, and the questions about writing for money.

be well.

and the "friends" bit bothered me too. i know i tend to advocate more contact with the meat-world but to question the legitimacy of friendships without more information is condescending.

thank you, my "friend."

*g*

you said it all.

i'm not surprised in the slightest that she "knew" i was queer either; she'd have to be blind, deaf and stupid not to have noticed.

i don't understand how she can be so clueless (or so determined to pretend to be clueless) about the violent part, though. i'd really have expected her to have more sense than that. must be some kind of "stand by your man" kick she's on . . . or perhaps he wasn't the only one who wanted to hit me.

at least she didn't say that she hopes it's just a phase you'll grow out of. that one drives me nuts.

You must bear in mind that this is not my first time coming out; only my first voluntary one.

When I was 16 she read a letter I wrote which should have made it overwhelmingly obvious that I both was definitely bi and was happy about it. She then confronted me about it, starting with the words, "So you think you're bisexual?"

It would have been inconceivable to me to imagine that there was any room left for denial after she'd read that letter - except that she went and used that word think. That shocked me. That her denial could possibly run so deep.

So I just answered, "No, I don't think that at all, of course I'm completely hetero," and for the last nine years we have left it at precisely that totally unbelievable standoff.

If she were to try that again after all this time - well, I just can't imagine that. It's too absurd. She's had nine and a half years to indulge in denial already. I'd certainly hope she's moved beyond that.

I just wanted to say I am only an on line friend of sorts but I read your thoughts and I support you. Your incrediably brave.

XoXo Melody

They Love Me; They Just Say Homophobic Things in Front of Me and Want to Hit Me, That's All

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Hi.